It’s official: I am ill.
Ill-fated? It only seems that way. I am just simply not well in my soul. Sick. Unhealthy. Dying, even. Lord, help me.
What lies ahead is more than I ever imagined. How did I let things get so far? I was a fool to think I could do it on my own strength. But clearly, my judgment is skewed and my selfishness takes the best of me.
The next ten weeks seem like forever. In ten weeks, people can make life-changing decisions, encounter the impossible, and alter their realities. But in the scheme of my whole entire life, ten weeks is nothing if it means it sets me up for a lifelong process of healing and dealing.
You see, I am beginning a journey of finally dealing with the brokenness of my past and moving forward. I am seeing the ways I am in need of such healing and learning what it means to engage with my emotions. I have learned at a young age to suppress any of my feelings because as a child, when injustices occur and traumatizing experiences happen to you, you are simply not built to engage with those emotions.
So, what do I now do with my time? I am taking time off of ministry and seeing the consequences of my external sin. It’s amazing how when you are in such a vulnerable state and continue to not let God be who He wants to be in your life, a deep darkness and evil can grab you and suffocate every fiber of your being until you are numb and forget everything. By then, you have nowhere to turn but to God because you’ve lost it all. Nothing will really ever satisfy you, but you still continue to settle and convince yourself otherwise. It’s a terrible place to be in.
What is more terrible is the ways it not only affects you, but those around you. Being apart from God really does mean being apart from the things you love, and at that point, you begin to deeply understand how truly God is in everything.
I can either choose to continue to dwell on regret, shame, anger, disappointment, and frustration, or I can choose to trust that this is the next step and that God is truly the Great Redeemer of all. He already has been bringing me closer to the light at the end of the tunnel, and it gives me a hope beyond what my head can comprehend.
I am definitely not amazing without structure, so the upcoming weeks will definitely stretch me, but also indeed grow me. I will learn to take risks and challenges, and discipline myself. These weeks are by no means a waiting period, but I am taking one day at a time towards what I know is good.
I can share more about what is going on as I gain more perspective on things, and it seems I already have. I’m more ready than I’ll ever be. I pray for a strength beyond myself, a creature of nothing but dust.
This is Amy Hu signing off for September 26th, 2009.