Someone Call a Doctor–Because I Clearly Can’t

It’s official: I am ill.

Ill-fated? It only seems that way. I am just simply not well in my soul. Sick. Unhealthy. Dying, even. Lord, help me.

What lies ahead is more than I ever imagined. How did I let things get so far? I was a fool to think I could do it on my own strength. But clearly, my judgment is skewed and my selfishness takes the best of me.

The next ten weeks seem like forever. In ten weeks, people can make life-changing decisions, encounter the impossible, and alter their realities. But in the scheme of my whole entire life, ten weeks is nothing if it means it sets me up for a lifelong process of healing and dealing.

You see, I am beginning a journey of finally dealing with the brokenness of my past and moving forward. I am seeing the ways I am in need of such healing and learning what it means to engage with my emotions. I have learned at a young age to suppress any of my feelings because as a child, when injustices occur and traumatizing experiences happen to you, you are simply not built to engage with those emotions.

So, what do I now do with my time? I am taking time off of ministry and seeing the consequences of my external sin. It’s amazing how when you are in such a vulnerable state and continue to not let God be who He wants to be in your life, a deep darkness and evil can grab you and suffocate every fiber of your being until you are numb and forget everything. By then, you have nowhere to turn but to God because you’ve lost it all. Nothing will really ever satisfy you, but you still continue to settle and convince yourself otherwise. It’s a terrible place to be in.

What is more terrible is the ways it not only affects you, but those around you. Being apart from God really does mean being apart from the things you love, and at that point, you begin to deeply understand how truly God is in everything.

I can either choose to continue to dwell on regret, shame, anger, disappointment, and frustration, or I can choose to trust that this is the next step and that God is truly the Great Redeemer of all. He already has been bringing me closer to the light at the end of the tunnel, and it gives me a hope beyond what my head can comprehend.

I am definitely not amazing without structure, so the upcoming weeks will definitely stretch me, but also indeed grow me. I will learn to take risks and challenges, and discipline myself. These weeks are by no means a waiting period, but I am taking one day at a time towards what I know is good.

I can share more about what is going on as I gain more perspective on things, and it seems I already have. I’m more ready than I’ll ever be. I pray for a strength beyond myself, a creature of nothing but dust.

This is Amy Hu signing off for September 26th, 2009.

Give Me More Novocaine

I got one wisdom tooth pulled yesterday. Yup, just looking like half a chipmunk. Kind of strange. You probably couldn’t take me seriously if you saw me. Something I noticed.

I didn’t “go under”–apparently the dentist my dad took me to didn’t practice general anesthesia. Probably would have been helpful prior to sitting down in the dentist chair with the drill in her hand. Oh well.

So I suffered through the whole process. Worst points were when I could feel the pain of both the cutting and drilling–wasn’t enough Novocaine as well as feeling like Dr. Chao was holding down my jaw so hard she was going to rip it out as if we were on a zombie movie set. It’ll haunt me for the next couple of days.

I’m going to have to go back at least once to get the other bottom and top ones done. She didn’t recommend I do all at once because of how impacted my tooth had grown into my bone and other teeth. So another trip to endure being awake during dental torture is something I obviously do not look forward to.

In thinking about my life in general, I kind of feel like I’m in that chair all the time. All the hard things God is bringing up in this season of life is finally pressing in on me, waiting to come out like my wisdom teeth. I can’t pretend like it doesn’t bother me anymore–it’s affecting my jaw with its consistent popping, painful pushing against my other teeth, and the hitting of my nerves. Similarly, I can no longer pretend the things I need healing for from my past aren’t there. It would be a lie to say they aren’t causing me to stumble, to fall, and to forget. I need to take it out.

novocaine

Things would be so much easier if I could just be put to sleep and wake up with all my wisdom teeth pulled out. But for some reason, God wants me to sit through the long and torturous process. Every cut, every drill, every shot, and every pull. But it’s not like He’s not giving me Novocaine to ease the pain. He’s with me the whole way and wants me to feel and see how the tooth is taken out.

It’s not the greatest analogy in the world, but it makes sense. My conscience is dulled and I need to feel the pain, regret, and consequences or I will live life without paying attention to the tugs at my heart and gut feelings. I’ve reached a point where there is nowhere to turn but to Him, and it is a good place to be.

I’m ready for my next appointment Doctor. Just give me more Novocaine.

This is Amy Hu signing off for August 22nd, 2009.

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