Traffic School

is really just a big joke.

I was forced to spend three hours of my Friday night a while ago completing the online version of it. And yes, it was due to my own stupid mistake of being slapped with a moving violation. Despite me being more than thrilled that I could do it in the convenience of my bedroom while eating ice cream, it was still painfully repetitive, dry, and full of stating the obvious. And the site had typos all over it, which made it really questionable…

Michelle Rodriguez in “Fast & Furious.” Girl is a BAMF.

What moving violation do you ask? Well can’t you guess from the dangerous sports car I risk getting behind the wheel in every morning that I rigged with NOS capabilities and painted orange flames?

Go ahead, laugh at the thought of me being even remotely close to resembling someone like that. I am no Michelle Rodriguez. If only (sigh).

I drive a simple sedan and am not notorious for being some speed demon. But I did get caught going over the speed limit on the PCH in Malibu. And because I’m Amy Hu, there are indeed three ridiculous things about this expensive ticket:

1. Having never gotten a ticket before in my life (parking doesn’t count obviously because that’s impossible in LA), I would of course get one two days before I move to Madison.

2. I got the ticket on the way to my friend’s wedding as a bridesmaid and showed up to the wrong location. In other words, I have to pay over $500 for being somewhere I wasn’t even supposed to be.

3. I wasn’t even driving my own car. I was driving Michelle’s cute, harmless Prius at 630am. WHAT THE FRICK MAN.

I wish it was Benjamin McKenzie from "Southland" giving me a ticket.
I wish it was Benjamin McKenzie from “Southland” giving me a ticket.

And so, because of my bad choices and lack of feminine charm, I could not weasel my way out of this one. Instead, I was a big clumsy elephant, doing my best not to stomp on the man formally noting my lawbreaking.

I look back and wonder what I could have done, and how many of my sisters out there have melted the hearts of men in uniform (or, let’s be honest, turned them on). Here are 5 random excuses off the top of my head that might make Mr. Police Dude let me go:

1. “Officer, I respect what you do in keeping people safe on the road. I was also doing the same because I thought this was rigged by Dennis Hopper’s character in Speed and I couldn’t let the car go under 50 mph. I guess I was wrong when you pulled me over. But I’m not sorry for trying to be a hero.”

2. “Officer, I am so sorry for driving at what seemed like a very unnecessary speed. I hope you can let me go this time, because I myself, am letting a lot go right at this very moment. I am having explosive diarrhea as we speak.”

3. “Officer, I just found out my mom got bitten by a zombie.”

4. “Officer, what if I told you everything you have ever known is a lie? You’re starring in a reality show.”

5. “Officer, the McRib is back.”

Oh, retrospect.

This is Amy Hu signing off for December 2nd, 2012.

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