Now I’m not nearly as reckless as Elton John, but indeed I am back. And I guess I wouldn’t consider myself as bitchy as him in his hit song.
Back on InterVarsity staff as an intern, and ready to rock n’ roll. And in the past month, it sure has been rockin’.
Working with college students once again and being able to be part of their growth has given me so much life, joy, and deeper satisfaction. And in the midst of my own journey of piecing the broken work of God back together and attempting to find the colors to repair and repaint one of His many masterpieces, I can finally see how truly healing ministry can be.
Compared to before, it was hard to say it in the broken state I was in. Sure, we’ll always be broken people with constant struggles and are indeed works in progress. But in the past five months I have seen the ways I could have in no way, continued to carry on with my life without stopping and taking on what God so badly wanted for me–for me to see Him as one that loved me more than anything I could ever find in this broken world, and that my worth and voids in my life could not be filled with those who were just as needy as me.
And though I desired so badly to be part of God’s work especially living in InterVarsity’s community of servants and staff, I came to realize that taking the time off from the thing I knew I found too much affirmation in and would distract me from the deeper things God was doing, was the only place God wanted for me. And I am so thankful for that.
Yes, I still struggle today with coming back. I, at times, feel like Hester from The Scarlet Letter–marked and reminded of my sin and places I fall short. But there is redemption in the midst of struggling to fight off this way of viewing myself and at the time, trying to be a part of a community with boundaries and slight reminders that I am too broken to serve.
God has redeemed me, and helped me to see that He is not one to bring me back to something I desired so badly to remind me of my failures. He has instead carried me out of a suffocating, dark abyss where I was once choking and gasping for a savior and has brought me into the comfort of His arms. He wants me to be healed of my past and desires to love me more than anything in this world. He wants me to remember His grace, love and compassion, and that He made no mistake in creating who I am today. And so for me to be where I am today, He wants to remind me not of my shortcomings, but how much I need Him and how much He can still do both through and in me.
I can’t describe how grateful I am to be part of such an amazing opportunity. The InterVarsity intern life is crazy. It’s nowhere near normal and nowhere near appealing to many people. It’s far from relaxing and not simply a resume filler. Many around me find it confusing and even ridiculous.
But I am filled with faith, and even stubborn at times, to believe that this is life-changing, extremely challenging, full of deep satisfaction, humbling, and allowing me to mature in all areas of my life.
And hard as hell. But I wouldn’t rather be anywhere else. Not even as Celine’s life coach. Well, don’t tempt me.
This is Amy Hu signing off for February 26th, 2010.