Bad Luck Brian

bad luck brian

Poor Bad Luck Brian.

I think I’m addicted to this meme because, in all honesty, it makes me feel a little better about the things in my own life. Sucks for HIM. It’s also just really tragically funny.

Don’t get me wrong, I love writing about the mishaps and unfortunate moments in my life. It’s not just some way to cope, but I actually feel that God wants me to share it to remind people that He created humor and that He’s the funniest of them all. I like to believe that God’s other option besides the flood was to do a stand-up routine to all of humanity, where they would just all die of laughter. Noah’s family and the chosen animals would just have worn camel-hair earplugs.

So here’s three things that happened recently for “God Likes to Prank Amy”:

1. Basketball Trouble
I went to the park to play basketball on Sunday because of the unusually warm weather in Madison. I was excited the other half of the court was open, so I took out my freshly pumped ball and shot a jumper right outside the key. Feeling good about my first one landing right in, I immediately ran to get my rebound and wondered where the ball went. I looked up in dismay–it was stuck in the net made of chains. I pathetically jumped a few times thinking some force might pop it right out. But my sad lack of height and air did no good. The nice kids on the other side saw my dilemma and immediately came to my rescue. A 10 year-old boy, with all his might, threw his ball right at mine in the net. The ball ricocheted so hard that it hit me right in the face and I fell back into a huge puddle.bad luck amy - gets hit in face

2. Water Damage
I came into the office on Tuesday to find that a portion of our department got flooded due to a pipe backing up from the building near us. The strangest thing is that it could have backed up and burst at any place in our large building. Any office, any room, any square foot of space. It, of course, flooded the room where I was editing my project.

bad luck amy - nearly drowns

3. Venison
Last month, I was able to do a weekend in Chicago with my visiting friend Stacey, and our other friend Julie, who goes to law school there. On the way there, I discovered that roadkill in the Midwest is actually something to be reckoned with. We literally counted about five dead deer who sadly got bulldozed by speeding cars on the freeway. Most of them were fairly easy to avoid. But in one particular case, the genius car in front of me became lazy and just ran over the already deceased animal, causing chunks of now-venison-meat to fly in the air and splatter on the hood of my car. I left it to dry for about two weeks and eventually just used my shoe to scrape it off with relative ease.

bad luck amy - dead deer
Last thoughts: Nowhere near as funny as Bad Luck Brian, and looks like he’s doing well now.

This is Amy Hu signing off for December 5th, 2012.

Traffic School

is really just a big joke.

I was forced to spend three hours of my Friday night a while ago completing the online version of it. And yes, it was due to my own stupid mistake of being slapped with a moving violation. Despite me being more than thrilled that I could do it in the convenience of my bedroom while eating ice cream, it was still painfully repetitive, dry, and full of stating the obvious. And the site had typos all over it, which made it really questionable…

Michelle Rodriguez in “Fast & Furious.” Girl is a BAMF.

What moving violation do you ask? Well can’t you guess from the dangerous sports car I risk getting behind the wheel in every morning that I rigged with NOS capabilities and painted orange flames?

Go ahead, laugh at the thought of me being even remotely close to resembling someone like that. I am no Michelle Rodriguez. If only (sigh).

I drive a simple sedan and am not notorious for being some speed demon. But I did get caught going over the speed limit on the PCH in Malibu. And because I’m Amy Hu, there are indeed three ridiculous things about this expensive ticket:

1. Having never gotten a ticket before in my life (parking doesn’t count obviously because that’s impossible in LA), I would of course get one two days before I move to Madison.

2. I got the ticket on the way to my friend’s wedding as a bridesmaid and showed up to the wrong location. In other words, I have to pay over $500 for being somewhere I wasn’t even supposed to be.

3. I wasn’t even driving my own car. I was driving Michelle’s cute, harmless Prius at 630am. WHAT THE FRICK MAN.

I wish it was Benjamin McKenzie from "Southland" giving me a ticket.
I wish it was Benjamin McKenzie from “Southland” giving me a ticket.

And so, because of my bad choices and lack of feminine charm, I could not weasel my way out of this one. Instead, I was a big clumsy elephant, doing my best not to stomp on the man formally noting my lawbreaking.

I look back and wonder what I could have done, and how many of my sisters out there have melted the hearts of men in uniform (or, let’s be honest, turned them on). Here are 5 random excuses off the top of my head that might make Mr. Police Dude let me go:

1. “Officer, I respect what you do in keeping people safe on the road. I was also doing the same because I thought this was rigged by Dennis Hopper’s character in Speed and I couldn’t let the car go under 50 mph. I guess I was wrong when you pulled me over. But I’m not sorry for trying to be a hero.”

2. “Officer, I am so sorry for driving at what seemed like a very unnecessary speed. I hope you can let me go this time, because I myself, am letting a lot go right at this very moment. I am having explosive diarrhea as we speak.”

3. “Officer, I just found out my mom got bitten by a zombie.”

4. “Officer, what if I told you everything you have ever known is a lie? You’re starring in a reality show.”

5. “Officer, the McRib is back.”

Oh, retrospect.

This is Amy Hu signing off for December 2nd, 2012.

If I Could Turn Back Time

Maybe time travel does exist and we just don’t know. And this might depend on whatever theories on it you believe in, and how you think it would work.

Obviously, I just watched “Looper” this opening weekend and it was definitely worth the 93% it got on Rotten Tomatoes. Besides it being very well-casted (Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Bruce Willis, Emily Blunt, Jeff Daniels, Piper Perabo and who is this phenomenal Pierce Gagnon kid?), the story was unique and driven by deep themes of redemption and a desire to fix our past, like many time travel stories.

I mean, I’m sure most people would utilize time travel to take away certain consequences. I can definitely think back to many things in my own life where specific moments and interactions led to some difficulty in my life today. So in this entry, I’d like to share a few of these regrettable decisions and some possible solutions (with no real in-depth analysis of the further consequences on humanity it may have):

From the Disney original movie, “Brink!”

1.X-Game Blades
When I was twelve, my mom agreed to finally buy these awesome looking X-Games roller blades from Big 5 Sporting Goods. They were a slick black color with smooth cream-colored wheels and fierce red font. By simply wearing them, I looked like I belonged in the Disney original movie, “Brink!” But disaster struck when I tried them out on the sidewalk for the first time and while falling painfully to the floor, realized they were indoor skates. Let’s just say I spent a lot of time circling my tiny garage while my sisters went out and enjoyed the outdoors like normal kids. Time travel solution: Go back and burn down entire inventory of roller blades at Big 5.

Ashton Kutcher + Overalls=Double fail.

2. Overalls
I wore overalls in high school. Yup, the kind of attire that children or pregnant women wear. It was just practical and so damn comfy to me. I had a few denim ones that I tried to make look cool by pinning buttons that had some “statement” to make, wearing out the hems to make it look more rugged, or sporting it with hipper shoes and shirts. But looking back, no matter what I did, I had to come to terms with the fact I was shopping in the maternity section. Hence, some dimwit called me a lesbian mom once. But the reality was, I couldn’t blame the guy. Time travel solution: Go back and break the news to my stubborn self that overalls never get cool in the future like being “hipster” eventually does.

note: This was me in college. Props to my roommate Grace Chen at the time for the photo, and Tammy for making a tommy gun out of duct tape and cardboard.

3. Robbed
A douchebag of a thief broke into my car  and stole my work equipment once (more details here). Time travel solution: Go back that night and camp out in the trunk of my car with a shotgun.

Don’t worry kiddo, I’ll be there for you.

4. Soiled pants
I was that kid who can’t even count the number of times I’ve peed in my pants. But every time that happened, I really wish I didn’t have to sit in my disgusting pants for longer than necessary. Time travel solution: Go back and drop off a fresh pair of pants and underwear every time it happened.


5. Zoophobia
I have an irrational fear of animals. I want so badly to not, as I’m learning more and more to respect these different species believe it or not. I would love to go back to every traumatic event and protect myself from strange attacks and interactions with these non-humans. But that seems like more than I could handle. Time travel solution: Go back and rescue Noah’s family from the flood with a helicopter, and leave the helpless Ark full of animals that, during its construction, I somehow replace its original wood material with graham crackers.

And of course, go back some time between 1990 – 1993 when Clive Owen and Daniel Craig were in their late twenties and create the most ultimate love triangle. Somehow I’ll have to jump into the future where a strong love potion has been created, or maybe go into the past and find a 17th century witch.

This is Amy Hu signing off for October 1, 2012.

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