Restless Nights

Good riddance, I just want a restful night’s sleep. That’s all.

I’ve been feeling rather fatigue and tired lately, and I’m thinking it is resulting from my lack of ability to be able to sleep through the night this past week. My thumb has actually been having spasms, and it’s more than peculiar. I may have caught kellymusclespasmitis (A lame reference to my apartment mate’s much worse case of muscle spasms. But don’t worry, I’m taking her to the doctor’s on Monday morning).

I either find myself falling asleep in good time, then waking up to the sound of silence in the middle of night. Or I get into bed and my eyelids feel attached to the back of my brain and won’t come down to meet the bruised-looking bags under my eyes.

During these moments, I feel all sorts of emotions. Eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling. Confused, pensive, then frustrated.

In the morning, I have been getting up much later in the day at around 10am and it adds more to my fatigue. I’d much rather start my day earlier, and be able to exercise and carry on with a more disciplined, routine lifestyle. But I end up being so tired my body actually feels sore and refuses to give into my desire to start the waking up process.

I’ve tried sleeping later, only to find myself waking up later in the morning and even more tired because I still don’t sleep through the night. And with attempting to sleep earlier, it takes me longer to fall asleep and I wake up earlier in the night.

The reasons for these times are probably due to stress, anxiety, and this whole season of healing and dealing. I have been able to process and reflect on my life to an almost overwhelming point, and it’s tiring. I find myself awake in the middle of night, feeling rather lonely and missing the things I know I shouldn’t. And significant moments from my past are replayed, and sometimes with a new and better perspective, but after an entire day of such draining mental and emotional activity, I wish I could shut off those thoughts.

I’m a worrier, one of the most paranoid people you’ll ever meet. My go-to emotion is that of being flustered and frazzled, and for a 22 year-old, I think I’m above-average neurotic.

But there is hope in all of this because I know God is working in me. It’s been absolutely amazing what I’ve already gained in the past few weeks. And the more I dive into this, the more freedom to move forward I receive. I guess this is just all part of the hard process that I was to expect.

This is Amy Hu signing off for October 16th, 2009.

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